Thursday, June 30, 2005

Malaysian Idol and the Kar Wei uproar

The uproar in the online forums on why 17-year old 6th form schoolgirl, Lee Kar Wei, was eliminated by the judges, for the Malaysian Idol top 24 contestants, refuses to abate. You may remember Kar Wei. She was a guest singer in last year’s Malaysian Idol Finals in Genting. She was only 16 at that time but she blew the audience away with her singing. The shock that followed her departure is nationwide. On Tuesday night, the 8TV Quickie announced that M.I. judge Paul Moss would turn up on Wednesday night on TV to explain why Kar Wei was rejected.

So last night I waited. Till 12 midnight.

Where were you, Paul? You had something better to do? Well, so had I. But I dropped whatever shit I was doing and waited patiently to hear your side of the story!
Till 12 midnight!

Did he show up on TV? Big fucking NO.

Did he give a reason why? Another big fucking NO.

Look around you, Paul.
Is it dark? Does the air smell funny?
Isn’t it obvious that your head is up your ass?
And you couldn’t find your way out to come to the 8TV studios? Is that it?

You know what I think? I think that Kar Wei was eliminated because she was a favourite to win. Her problem was a Low Humpability Factor. The winner of Malaysian Idol gets a recording contract and the recording company has to promote the album. This is a tough business. The most successful singers are those who have good looks. Then girls want to be you and guys want to hump you.

Kar Wei looks like a vegetable gardener. On a humpability scale of 1 to 10, I’ll rate her a 2. Her teeth are funny and she moves funny. Her face is plain and her figure is out of shape. If she wins the Malaysian Idol crown, it will be a disaster for the record company. So she has to be eliminated at all costs.

Is my theory correct, Paul? Maybe, maybe not.
But I so wanted to hear your side of the story. I gave you the opportunity to explain the shitty decision that you and the other two retarded judges made.
Still unable to pull your head out yet?
While you're in there, stick your tongue out, Paul.
Like the taste of your own shit?
No? Well, neither do we!

I remember Paul saying that Kar Wei had “limited talent” during the Theatre Auditions on Day 3. The fans didn’t buy it. Kar Wei came onto the 8TV show last night and asked what Paul meant by that. If Kar Wei was not a good enough singer, do you think that 8TV would have invited her to appear on TV?

Here’s a tip, Paul. Keep your tongue sticking out as you pull your head out of your butt. It dredges your colon clean of fecal matter. I don’t have to explain to you the wonders of colonic irrigation, do I?
‘Limited talent’ my ass.
That excuse was so limpdick that a ton of Viagra couldn’t pull it up to stay at half mast.

In last night’s TV appearance, hosts Adam and Marion asked Kar Wei to sing a few lines from a song, and she obliged. I think the fans are going to be convinced more than ever that the judges were wrong in eliminating her. And Adam said that Paul did not turn up to explain why because he was too chicken. Chicken? That explains a lot.

Now listen, you three lame ass retro-products of evolution masquerading as song judges. We fans vote with our own money to make your show a fucking success and you think you don’t owe us any explanation? You think you can just treat us as discarded backlane whores? We are the ones footing the bill, not you! We fucking pay your salaries!

The mindless drivel you spew out as fair comments often make less sense than a virgin dick shagging a hornet’s nest. And after every show, my IQ drops 20 points until its only 50 points higher than the combined total of you three.

But did you hear me complain? The fact that I am willing to listen to crawly lowlifes like you for the SECOND year running testifies to my infinite patience, and not because you sound remotely intelligent.

And how did you three get to be picked as judges? Were you picked for your ability to listen to music with your ears boxed tightly inside your ass passage? Don’t you find the echo in there annoying? Well, we fans are annoyed even if you aren’t. And it’s taking us all the self-control we can muster not to bitchslap you three wormlike freaks into a threesome monotonal lullaby shitfest.

I strongly suggest that you go back to kindergarten and study the basics of “do-re-mi” again. Don’t you dare fail! Again! And this Friday, when I next tune in to Malaysian Idol, please take the effort to make more intelligible noises than a half-squashed cicada’s fart! Dumbasses.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Malaysian Idol: Theatre eliminations

Day 1

Nothing particularly exciting worth mentioning on the first day. Most of the Malaysian Idol hopefuls were required to perform on a theatre stage and at the end of the day, only 74 would be sent to the next round. So there certainly was a lot of practicing and practicing outside the theatre, with each singer practicing without unduly disturbing the others.

Except for this Fat Kampung Rocker. He would practice at the top of his voice. And get everybody else really pissed off! One girl described him as the Malaysian version of Constantine(American Idol finalist). And then she added, “I think he’s Constipate!”

Constipate my ass. Fat Kampung Rocker got thru’ to the next round.

Day 2

The 74 singers who got through from Day 1 were required to perform a duet. People were paired off by the judges and they would have to choose appropriate songs. This led to several bad song choices as the singers didn’t really understand each other. In fact, the teamwork was atrocious! Like goats trying to bleat in tune with ducks.

You should never pick a song that your partner can’t sing. And you should always stick to the format you practiced so as not to throw off your partner during the actual performance. That’s what some of them found out too late.

The only bright spot was this performance by a Red-haired Anorexic Girl who partnered a Short Cute Boy(called Daniel). They sang “Fire” and it was comparatively good. The judges lapped it up like starving cats.

Fat Kampung rocker made a mess of his song but he was told, to his surprise, that he got through to the next round. He celebrated by yelling at the TV camera, “Orang Kampung!” Now, we all know that Orang Kampung is a brand of the sex herb kacip fatima, the backyard version of Viagra for women, don’t we? I’ve blogged about kacip fatima, before, I believe. So what’s Fat Kampung Rocker’s connection with Orang Kampung? Is he peddling the stuff?

At the end of the day, 51 singers were left.

Day 3

Participants were required to sing the songs picked by the judges. Those who were asked to sing “Gemilang” fared badly. There was one girl with a good voice, nice figure, and she looked like a ‘7’ on a humpability scale of 1 to 10. Her mind went more or less blank when she sang “Gemilang” and she was given the opportunity to sing again. However, she chose to bow out. Which was a pity. Cos you don’t often get a ‘7’ appearing on Malaysian Idol.

The reason why only nice looking girls should be encouraged to sing on TV is because if you don’t like the song, you can always hump the TV. Don’t try this at home. Damn, what am I talking about…….it’s YOUR TV, not mine! Okay, try it and tell me the results. Should be fun to blog about.

I thin Nita, the slim Penang cafe singer got through to the final 24. Nice chick. Slightly on the thin side. Humpability factor 6.

Fat Kampung Rocker also got through. Humpability factor zero. And again he shouted “Orang Kampung” at the TV camera. I’m starting to like the guy. Even thinking of going out to buy me a bottle of kacip fatima. Then again, better not. It may have strange effects on males and make me horny for goats and ducks.

At the end of the day, only 24 were left. I'm not sure about the rules, but I think from this point onwards, the public will get to vote for their favourites. I’ve lots of money left unused on my prepaid handphone account. More than a hundred ringgit, I believe. Yes! Takes very little to make me happy, doesn't it?

Monday, June 20, 2005

Malaysian Idol Season 2 - KL Auditions

The KL auditions have shown the highest standards among the four auditions so far.

One girl sang the song “Masquarade.” She was nice to listen to. Yeah, she made it to the next round.

There was a rocker this time that got in. He sounded a bit like the Scorpions - high and shrill.

There was a guy who kept calling the M.I. judge Paul by another name; “Peter”. He wasn’t that good. So he didn’t get in.

A pretty girl called Emily sang. I thought she was good enough to make it to the next round. Roslan and Jee didn’t think so. But Paul thought she was good enough. I have to agree with Paul on this one. Emily was better than some of the earlier contestants who got in.

Paul said this to another participant, “You can’t sing to save your life.” Oh come on, just a simple “No” would have been sufficient.

A guy came on and sang the oldie hit “Sway”. Jee and Paul outvoted Roslan and he got in. He got in and he was not even as good as Emily!

Roslan lost his cool over one girl who lived near him. Her singing was atrocious. Sounded like strangling a cat with a sore throat. She refused to leave after singing.
Paul said, “Completely awful!”
Jee said, “Nyanyi tak bagus.
Roslan said, “Keluar.” Yup, the guy lost his cool.

Look, if you want to get rid of somebody who has overstayed their welcome, you should at lest hire security personnel for that sort of thing.

There was a cute girl who came on and sang “Zombie”. It wasn’t good but still, it was fun to watch. She was like a wound up doll. At the end, Paul asked her, “Do you have a key at the back?”

Her friend, a boy came up next to sing “I’m not a girl, not yet a woman”. Weird choice of song for a guy, definitely. I hope he isn’t hinting that he’s going for a sex change operation. The song had all the judges in stitches. The guy remarked to Paul, “All you do is talk trash about people.” Way to go!

Oh, there was a Michael Jackson impersonator who sang “Billie Jean”. He was so out of tune that I thought he was singing something else. He did move a bit like Michael Jackson. In fact, I wish I can move like him.

We can’t end this post without mentioning this other odd character, a short nerdy Chinese boy who’s singing was clearly bad. He didn’t think highly of the judging and muttered in Hokkien on TV:
Tooi chu khoon lah!
(Go back home and sleep lah!)
A lot of his comments were censored out. Heard this one though:
Mai hor wa kuah teoh. Kuah jit tau pak jit tau.”
(Don’t let me see. See one time, whack one time.)
That was hilarious, coming from the nerd.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Yoda auditions for Malaysian Idol

My apologies to true die-hard Star Wars fans for this little irreverent piece. This article has been reproduced here from my other blog, Stepping Aside for Reality.

Yoda : Fed up is Yoda. Latest Star Wars movie about to hit town. But the people, they care not! Massive promotion, there is not! Movie mania, there is not! Media frenzy, there is not!

* Taking matters in his own hands, Yoda walked into Berjaya Times Square. By some mysterious quirk of events, he wandered into the room where the Malaysian Idol auditions were taking place. Malaysian Idol judges Roslan, Fauziah and Paul did not seem impressed by his appearance. *

Paul : What is your name?

Yoda : Yoda.

Roslan : We need your full name.

Yoda : Yoda Kickbutt, it is. Jedi master, I am.

Fauziah : Okay Yoda, what are you going to sing for us?

Yoda : Tell everybody about movie, I must. New movie ‘Star Wars Episode III, Revenge of the Sith’, you go. Awesome it is. Watch it, you should.

Paul : Is what, you talk…….sorry, what are you talking about?

Yoda : ‘Star Wars Episode III, Revenge of the Sith’

Roslan : That’s a very long title. Don’t believe I have heard that song before.

Fauziah : Yeah, me neither. Is it very old?

Yoda : No, new movie, it is.

Paul : No, no! We mean the song.

Yoda : What song?

Fauziah : The song you are going to sing for us.

Yoda : Advertise Star Wars Episode III, I do. Sing I need not!

Roslan : Yes you do! Everybody who walks into this room has to sing for us!

Yoda : Full of shit, you are.

Paul : We are Malaysian Idol judges. We are allowed to be full of shit.

Yoda : Sing, I shall not!

Fauziah : Are your afraid? Don’t worry, there’s nothing to fear.

Yoda : Fear? Know what you of fear? Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. Sing, I shall.

Roslan : Good. We’re waiting, and we ain’t got all day.

* Yoda glared at the 3 Malaysian Idol judges, and cleared his throat.
Halfway across the galaxy, Obi Wan Kenobi paused in his aerobics dancing lesson and was heard to mutter,
“I feel a disturbance in the Force.”

Yoda : * sings *
“Star Wars Episode III, watch you must
Star Wars Episode III, watch you must
Star Wars Episode III, watch you must
Star Wars Episode III, watch you must
Star Wars Episode III, watch you must
Star Wars Episode III, watch you must……”

Paul : Oi! Stop! Stop! Stop!

Roslan : That was simply boring. A song sung entirely in E flat monotone is definitely a bad song choice.

Fauziah : For a monotonal song, your singing was a little bit pitchy. And your clothes is kurang sesuai lah. I’m going to have to report you to the fashion police.

Paul : Fuck it, man. That was horrible, incredibly horrible.

* Without saying a word, Yoda took out his light sabre and turned it on full force.


The awesome power of the blade reverberated around the room and send shivers down the spines of the judges.

Roslan : That was a great rendition! You picked the right song! You came here to win!

Fauziah : May I congratulate you on your good fashion sense! A star is born!

Paul : Brilliant, man, simply brilliant! We’re sending you through to the next round!

Yoda : Wait, Another song, I have!

Fauziah : What? You don’t say!

Yoda : “Can You Feel The Loaf Tonight” it is. Elton John hit, it is. From “Lion Kink”.

Paul : No, no, you mustn’t sing!

Yoda : * sings *
“There's a calm surrender, to the rush of day
When the call of the roti man, can't be turned away
Two ringgit in my pocket, and it sees me through
It's enough for this restless warrior just to eat with you
And can you feel the loaf tonight
It is where we are
It's enough for this bug-eyed wanderer
That we got this far
And can you feel the loaf tonight
Which you now digest
It's enough to make kings and vagabonds
Shit out the very best.”

* Yoda walked out, satisfied that he had promoted the movie well enough.
Paul was frozen in shock.
Roslan barfed over his pants.
It took about an hour to revive Fauziah.

+ + + + + + + + +

Note from Viewtru to all:

Please remember to catch Star Wars Episode III.

If you have time, and if there’s nothing else on the other channels, and if you’re too lazy to switch off the TV, please watch the coming Malaysian Idol show as well.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Malaysian Idol Season 2 - Penang Auditions

The guy with the yellow shorts is back for another try. Remember Chris the masseuse who took part in the MI audition last year? He was so cute slapping his ass while doing his routine. This year he tried again, but this time without the yellow shorts, and he was boring. It just wasn’t fun anymore. Come back next year, Chris. And bring your yellow shorts next time. We miss the ass slapping.

Heard Paul said on TV:
“You’re the singing version of a hangover.”
“…..a human sleeping pill.”

Oh, there was one participant who was the previous Asia Bagus winner in 1996. She made it through although the judges were not totally impressed. They gave her a chance. Watching her sing is like watching sorrow pouring out of her lungs. She should be more relaxed. She may have gotten through this round but I don’t think she will make the finals.

One guy with a numb wooden expression rendered the song “Let it be”. Did I just typed “rendered”? It should be “murdered”. Paul wasn’t amused, and said, “You got the audacity to come here and destroy a classic Beatles song. You got some nerve, man.”

Yet another boy tried to sing the song “Gemilang”. Teruk betul. Paul told him that he sang like a hamster. Actually it was more like a hamster lullaby

Nobody looked interesting to me. Except for one slim chick called Nita. Actually she was more thin than slim. She is a café singer. And yeah, she got in.

The next auditions will be in KL.

Malaysian Idol Season 2 - JB Auditions

Tonight’s TV show of the JB auditions was boring.
We had a girl singing from a sheet of paper. Look, girl, if you are really keen, at least take the trouble to memorise the words.

Another girl took off her slippers to sing. No, she ain’t got it. As she was leaving Roslan said, “Jangan lupa selipar.”

The behaviour of Roslan was atrocious. One should not laugh at thebeinning of the song. Hear the singer out first and then laugh, okay?

Next audition will be in Penang.