Friday, June 17, 2005

Yoda auditions for Malaysian Idol

My apologies to true die-hard Star Wars fans for this little irreverent piece. This article has been reproduced here from my other blog, Stepping Aside for Reality.

Yoda : Fed up is Yoda. Latest Star Wars movie about to hit town. But the people, they care not! Massive promotion, there is not! Movie mania, there is not! Media frenzy, there is not!

* Taking matters in his own hands, Yoda walked into Berjaya Times Square. By some mysterious quirk of events, he wandered into the room where the Malaysian Idol auditions were taking place. Malaysian Idol judges Roslan, Fauziah and Paul did not seem impressed by his appearance. *

Paul : What is your name?

Yoda : Yoda.

Roslan : We need your full name.

Yoda : Yoda Kickbutt, it is. Jedi master, I am.

Fauziah : Okay Yoda, what are you going to sing for us?

Yoda : Tell everybody about movie, I must. New movie ‘Star Wars Episode III, Revenge of the Sith’, you go. Awesome it is. Watch it, you should.

Paul : Is what, you talk…….sorry, what are you talking about?

Yoda : ‘Star Wars Episode III, Revenge of the Sith’

Roslan : That’s a very long title. Don’t believe I have heard that song before.

Fauziah : Yeah, me neither. Is it very old?

Yoda : No, new movie, it is.

Paul : No, no! We mean the song.

Yoda : What song?

Fauziah : The song you are going to sing for us.

Yoda : Advertise Star Wars Episode III, I do. Sing I need not!

Roslan : Yes you do! Everybody who walks into this room has to sing for us!

Yoda : Full of shit, you are.

Paul : We are Malaysian Idol judges. We are allowed to be full of shit.

Yoda : Sing, I shall not!

Fauziah : Are your afraid? Don’t worry, there’s nothing to fear.

Yoda : Fear? Know what you of fear? Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. Sing, I shall.

Roslan : Good. We’re waiting, and we ain’t got all day.

* Yoda glared at the 3 Malaysian Idol judges, and cleared his throat.
Halfway across the galaxy, Obi Wan Kenobi paused in his aerobics dancing lesson and was heard to mutter,
“I feel a disturbance in the Force.”

Yoda : * sings *
“Star Wars Episode III, watch you must
Star Wars Episode III, watch you must
Star Wars Episode III, watch you must
Star Wars Episode III, watch you must
Star Wars Episode III, watch you must
Star Wars Episode III, watch you must……”

Paul : Oi! Stop! Stop! Stop!

Roslan : That was simply boring. A song sung entirely in E flat monotone is definitely a bad song choice.

Fauziah : For a monotonal song, your singing was a little bit pitchy. And your clothes is kurang sesuai lah. I’m going to have to report you to the fashion police.

Paul : Fuck it, man. That was horrible, incredibly horrible.

* Without saying a word, Yoda took out his light sabre and turned it on full force.


The awesome power of the blade reverberated around the room and send shivers down the spines of the judges.

Roslan : That was a great rendition! You picked the right song! You came here to win!

Fauziah : May I congratulate you on your good fashion sense! A star is born!

Paul : Brilliant, man, simply brilliant! We’re sending you through to the next round!

Yoda : Wait, Another song, I have!

Fauziah : What? You don’t say!

Yoda : “Can You Feel The Loaf Tonight” it is. Elton John hit, it is. From “Lion Kink”.

Paul : No, no, you mustn’t sing!

Yoda : * sings *
“There's a calm surrender, to the rush of day
When the call of the roti man, can't be turned away
Two ringgit in my pocket, and it sees me through
It's enough for this restless warrior just to eat with you
And can you feel the loaf tonight
It is where we are
It's enough for this bug-eyed wanderer
That we got this far
And can you feel the loaf tonight
Which you now digest
It's enough to make kings and vagabonds
Shit out the very best.”

* Yoda walked out, satisfied that he had promoted the movie well enough.
Paul was frozen in shock.
Roslan barfed over his pants.
It took about an hour to revive Fauziah.

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Note from Viewtru to all:

Please remember to catch Star Wars Episode III.

If you have time, and if there’s nothing else on the other channels, and if you’re too lazy to switch off the TV, please watch the coming Malaysian Idol show as well.