Thursday, June 30, 2005

Malaysian Idol and the Kar Wei uproar

The uproar in the online forums on why 17-year old 6th form schoolgirl, Lee Kar Wei, was eliminated by the judges, for the Malaysian Idol top 24 contestants, refuses to abate. You may remember Kar Wei. She was a guest singer in last year’s Malaysian Idol Finals in Genting. She was only 16 at that time but she blew the audience away with her singing. The shock that followed her departure is nationwide. On Tuesday night, the 8TV Quickie announced that M.I. judge Paul Moss would turn up on Wednesday night on TV to explain why Kar Wei was rejected.

So last night I waited. Till 12 midnight.

Where were you, Paul? You had something better to do? Well, so had I. But I dropped whatever shit I was doing and waited patiently to hear your side of the story!
Till 12 midnight!

Did he show up on TV? Big fucking NO.

Did he give a reason why? Another big fucking NO.

Look around you, Paul.
Is it dark? Does the air smell funny?
Isn’t it obvious that your head is up your ass?
And you couldn’t find your way out to come to the 8TV studios? Is that it?

You know what I think? I think that Kar Wei was eliminated because she was a favourite to win. Her problem was a Low Humpability Factor. The winner of Malaysian Idol gets a recording contract and the recording company has to promote the album. This is a tough business. The most successful singers are those who have good looks. Then girls want to be you and guys want to hump you.

Kar Wei looks like a vegetable gardener. On a humpability scale of 1 to 10, I’ll rate her a 2. Her teeth are funny and she moves funny. Her face is plain and her figure is out of shape. If she wins the Malaysian Idol crown, it will be a disaster for the record company. So she has to be eliminated at all costs.

Is my theory correct, Paul? Maybe, maybe not.
But I so wanted to hear your side of the story. I gave you the opportunity to explain the shitty decision that you and the other two retarded judges made.
Still unable to pull your head out yet?
While you're in there, stick your tongue out, Paul.
Like the taste of your own shit?
No? Well, neither do we!

I remember Paul saying that Kar Wei had “limited talent” during the Theatre Auditions on Day 3. The fans didn’t buy it. Kar Wei came onto the 8TV show last night and asked what Paul meant by that. If Kar Wei was not a good enough singer, do you think that 8TV would have invited her to appear on TV?

Here’s a tip, Paul. Keep your tongue sticking out as you pull your head out of your butt. It dredges your colon clean of fecal matter. I don’t have to explain to you the wonders of colonic irrigation, do I?
‘Limited talent’ my ass.
That excuse was so limpdick that a ton of Viagra couldn’t pull it up to stay at half mast.

In last night’s TV appearance, hosts Adam and Marion asked Kar Wei to sing a few lines from a song, and she obliged. I think the fans are going to be convinced more than ever that the judges were wrong in eliminating her. And Adam said that Paul did not turn up to explain why because he was too chicken. Chicken? That explains a lot.

Now listen, you three lame ass retro-products of evolution masquerading as song judges. We fans vote with our own money to make your show a fucking success and you think you don’t owe us any explanation? You think you can just treat us as discarded backlane whores? We are the ones footing the bill, not you! We fucking pay your salaries!

The mindless drivel you spew out as fair comments often make less sense than a virgin dick shagging a hornet’s nest. And after every show, my IQ drops 20 points until its only 50 points higher than the combined total of you three.

But did you hear me complain? The fact that I am willing to listen to crawly lowlifes like you for the SECOND year running testifies to my infinite patience, and not because you sound remotely intelligent.

And how did you three get to be picked as judges? Were you picked for your ability to listen to music with your ears boxed tightly inside your ass passage? Don’t you find the echo in there annoying? Well, we fans are annoyed even if you aren’t. And it’s taking us all the self-control we can muster not to bitchslap you three wormlike freaks into a threesome monotonal lullaby shitfest.

I strongly suggest that you go back to kindergarten and study the basics of “do-re-mi” again. Don’t you dare fail! Again! And this Friday, when I next tune in to Malaysian Idol, please take the effort to make more intelligible noises than a half-squashed cicada’s fart! Dumbasses.